Can two bedrooms make one happy marriage?

By Jennifer Nelson

It’s now officially a substantial trend: a study by the National Sleep Foundation found that 25 percent of couples sleep in separate rooms. That’s one in four couples! Many who choose to sleep separately are reluctant to discuss it, but for most people, the decision to sleep in separate beds is a practical decision. It seems that sleep is elusive when you bed down with a partner who snores, tosses relentlessly, traipses to the restroom repeatedly, hogs the covers or is drenched in sweat each night.

One partner often retreats to a guest room, kid’s bed or the family room sofa while hoping that people won’t assume the worst about their relationship. By 2015, The National Association of Home Builders says that it expects 60 percent of custom-built homes to include dual master bedrooms for this exact reason. “It’s important for couples facing these issues to try their best to avoid being influenced by negative social stigma and [others’] judgment around sleeping apart and be as creative and innovative in finding solutions that work for them,” says Manhattan psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona. And while sleeping in separate beds may solve some issues, it’s not always a perfect solution. Sleeping separately may mean you’re both getting better rest, but will it chip away at the romance or take a toll on overall intimacy? Some folks think that sleeping apart robs a marriage of its special connection.

Here’s how couples can combat living as roomies and keep close, cozy and connected even if they sleep in different beds:

1. Stay touchy-feely with each other. Even when couples don’t hold each other all night long, a lot of touching goes on while you’re falling asleep. Touch enhances the sense of intimacy and it also has a measurable biological effect: it stimulates the production of oxytocin, the hormone that deepens human bonding.

Separate-bed solution: “Make a real effort to stay touchy-feely during the day. Don’t just walk by each other; stop for a casual kiss or a loving pat. Hold hands on the couch and cuddle while you watch TV in the evening before bed,” suggests Beverly Hills psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman, author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets (Cogito Media Group, 2010). “Couples need to make an extra effort if they sleep apart to consciously make up for the loss of loving touch. It’s not only important for holding onto the romance — touch is vital to emotional and physical health.”

2. Engage in pillow talk. You may have lots of focused conversations about your kids, the car, work and the dog, but there’s also intimacy in the kind of pillow talk couples engage in as they relax before falling asleep. Good marriages thrive on these private, unplanned conversations that may vanish when you start sleeping separately.

Separate-bed solution: Try to fall asleep together in the same bed with the understanding that if one partner disrupts the other’s sleep, that person will slip off to a different room during the night. The one who wakes up first can join the other for pillow chat in the morning. Lieberman suggests taking your pillow talk “to go” — while snuggling on a porch, in front of a fire, in the garden or in any cozy corner of the home — with candles, soft music, strawberries and whipped cream before retreating to separate sleeping arrangements.

3. Plan your romps between the sheets together. If you’re not snoozing together, you might end up having less sex. But psychologists say that many couples’ sex lives are enhanced by sleeping in separate rooms — in fact, it can even lead to greater desire for a partner or more frequent sexual encounters.

Separate-bed solution: “Instead of the ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ effect that sleeping together can bring — along with morning breath and bed head — you can present yourself at your most appetizing best,” says Lieberman. Women should forego their flannel pajamas for sexy lingerie instead. Light candles, take a bath or shower together, and invite your partner “over” to the bed he or she doesn’t usually sleep in. Create a “love nest” atmosphere and be spontaneous about where you will make love that night before you go to sleep.

4. Find other ways to sustain your emotional connection. It’s easy for any couple to get caught up in the daily grind and take each other for granted. If you’re not sharing a bed nightly, it may be even easier to miss each other’s cues for connecting emotionally.

Separate-bed solution: “Look for ways to be able to lie down together, even if it’s not sleeping with each other every night. Just some quiet time [spent] holding each other can help deepen your relationship,” says Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness (Morgan James, 2009). Look for other ways to connect outside the bedroom, such as having at least one date night each week, engaging in a hobby or fun activity together — not just paying bills and doing household chores. Make breakfast dates (and keep them fresh) by planning a picnic on the floor, for example; other ideas could include eating on the porch or enjoying breakfast in bed together. “You shouldn’t sleep and eat separately — or it’s a recipe for disaster and divorce,” says Lieberman.

Jennifer Nelson (www.byjennifernelson.com) is a Florida-based freelance writer whose work appears in Self, O - The Oprah Magazine, Redbook, Family Circle, Women’s Health and many others. She also regularly writes about health, lifestyle and relationships for Parade, Glamour, MSNBC.com and WebMD.


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7 Easy Ways to Add Years to Your Life

by Bill Phillips and the Editors of Men's Health

Recent Posts

You may have read recently that New York City residents are outliving the rest of America. According to researchers at the University of Washington, the life expectancy of the average New York City resident is 80.6 years—three years above the national average. What’s more, a New Yorker’s average life expectancy grew a staggering 13.6 years between 1989 and 2009.
The researchers credit the extra years to the New York Health Department’s commitment to curbing the Big Apple’s worst habits: They’ve banned trans fats, added calorie counts to menus, and encouraged physical activity with more bike lanes and walking paths.
But, trust me, New Yorkers haven’t cornered the market on healthy living. In fact, here are 7 simple ways anyone, in any part of the world, can break their date with death.

Skip the Soup, Order the Salad

Italian researchers found that eating as little as 1 cup of raw vegetables daily can add 2 years to your life. Why raw? Cooking can deplete up to 30 percent of the antioxidants in vegetables. To eat your quota, fill a ziplock sandwich bag with chopped red and green peppers, broccoli, and carrots. Toss the bag into your briefcase, along with a packet of dressing—the fat will boost your body's absorption of certain nutrients. Just remember: Not all restaurant salads are good for you! Beware of the 20 Salads Worse Than a Whopper.

Stop Drinking Sugar

Many see New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposed ban on sweetened drinks larger than 16 ounces is an infringement of their rights. Perhaps it is. But make no mistake: Sugar-laden drinks are killing you. New research in Circulation links men’s sugary drink consumption to an increased risk of heart attack.
Meanwhile, scientists at Loma Linda University found that men who consume five 8-ounce glasses of water each day are 54 percent less likely to suffer a fatal heart attack than those who drink just two glasses or less every day. Hmm . . .
Drop pounds and live longer with Drink This, Not That!, the essential guide to the most popular beverages in restaurants and on supermarket shelves.

Crack Open Some Nuts

When Loma Linda University researchers tracked the lifestyle habits of 34,000 Seventh-Day Adventists—a population famous for its longevity—they discovered that those who munched nuts 5 days a week earned an extra 2.9 years on the planet.
Try the Planters NUT-rition Heart Healthy Mix, developed in conjunction with Men’s Health nutrition team. It contains all five key nuts, including walnuts, which are usually left out of nut mixes. Aim to eat 2 ounces a day.

Cut Calories the Easy Way

In 2008, New York became the first U.S. city to require calories on menu boards at fast food and chain restaurants. Now the Food and Drug Administration is working to make it a national requirement—and with good reason. A recent Health Psychology study found that when we’re given visual portion indicators, we tend to eat less.
We all know the havoc excess body fat can cause: It raises your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and colon cancer. It also brings the reaper to your door sooner. University of Alabama researchers discovered that maintaining a body-mass index of 25 to 35 can shorten your life by up to 3 years. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9.
You’re not doomed if your local menus don’t flaunt calories. Nor do you have to spend hours online every day tracking down nutrition data. Start here: Avoid add-ons like cheese, goopy sauces, and mayonnaise, says Elizabeth Gross Cohn, R.N., D.N.Sc., an associate nursing professor at Columbia University. And wash everything down with water.

Explore Your Environment

A 2011 study in Transportation found that increased availability of bike lanes means more people bike to work. (Shocker!) And while New York isn’t a cyclist’s paradise—that would be Portland, perpetually ranked the top cycling city by Bicycling magazine—Gotham is pushing the hardest to catch up, says Ralph Buehler, one of the study authors and an assistant professor in Urban Affairs and Planning at Virginia Tech.
Not every city is known for its bike lanes, but most are building initiatives to keep their communities in shape: hiking programs in the mountains, kayaking on large lakes, or webs of running trails (here's proof: our list of the 20 Coolest Triathlons in America). You can jog anywhere—and doing so for just an hour a week can add 6.2 years to your life, according to a Danish study.

Phone a Friend Regularly

In a study of seventysomethings, Australian researchers found that those with the largest network of friends had the longest lease on life. For the average guy, this could add up to 7 additional years of existence.
Yes, some buddies may encourage risky behavior from time to time, but friendship ultimately provides more protection than peril. So try to learn a few new faces at work, trade lifting tips at the gym, or simply say “hey” to that neighbor you've never met. You’ll have many years together to thank each other.

Above All, Remember That There’s Life After Retirement

In a Yale University study of older adults, people with a positive outlook on the aging process lived more than 7 years longer than those who felt doomed to deteriorating mental and physical health.
Already envisioning decades of decrepitude? Volunteer for a cause you're passionate about: Selfless actions can put a positive spin on life and distract from unhealthy obsessing, reports a study in Psychosomatic Medicine.

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